ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
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