We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
