i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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