so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
