no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
