I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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