im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
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theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
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why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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