My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
