this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
