You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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