okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
