i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
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