No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
