I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
