I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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