I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
