Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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