i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
