I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
