I was born with a shot glass in my hand
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
My vagina just recognized that song.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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