watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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