make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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