I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
