i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
