Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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