here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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