Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Randomize
