If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I AM VODKA MAN
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
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