who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
Life is so much better after having sex.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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