I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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