You're my little dorito
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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