There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
