I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
