I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I am naked and annoyed.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
