If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
