there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
