I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
