Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
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No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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