I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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