I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
