you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
