im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
He shit in the fireplace
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