You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
