well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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