Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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