OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
