may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
