Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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