Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
