We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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