I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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