I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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