Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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