You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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