the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
you had me at cake vodka
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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