I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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