Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
