also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
