You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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