I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
