He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
