I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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