At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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