Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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